Congratulations to the Society of Janus for their new web site, which features blogs and articles about BDSM and the kink community (we really like that kind of stuff, obviously). SOJ is the second oldest kink education organization in the US, and is based in San Francisco, CA.
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Society of Janus new web site
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Question: How do I have anal sex?
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Our friends over at SFSI (San Francisco Sex Information) say they get this question all the time, so we were excited when it also landed in our inbox. And we’re going to take a stab at answering this without looking at the answer on SFSI’s site (though we’ll link to it at the end).
Lots of folks are interested in anal sex, generally defined as inserting an object or a penis into a person’s anus, either from the giving or receiving end. The key things to keep in mind when it comes to anal sex:
- It shouldn’t hurt — it should fee good
- You should use LOTS of lube
- Take it slow, practice and work your way up
- Don’t put anything in your ass that you can’t get out
It shouldn’t hurt — it should feel good
Many people enjoy anal sex and most think it feels good to have something in their ass, whether it’s someone else’s cock or an object like a dildo. The area around the asshole has lots of nerve endings and is near the genitals, so there is a lot of potential for good sensations. Some people think the fullness of something in their ass feels good, some think the motion of something going in and out feels good, some just like to be touched around or in their ass. If it feels good, it’s good.
The thing to keep in mind, though, is unlike a vagina, the ass is not really “designed” to have things inserted in it. So to do so, you need to do a little preparation. This includes using a lot of lube and taking it slow, working your way up, getting your ass used to having something going inside.
Anal sex should feel good and should be safe, avoiding tearing the inside of the ass or causing physical damage. Using copious amounts of lube protects the inside of your ass from tearing and damage. Did we mention using lube? More on that next.
You should use LOTS of lube
However much lube you think you may need, double it, triple it, you get the picture. The inside of the ass not only doesn’t produce natural lubrication, but it’s connected right to the colon and the colon’s job is to absorb water and moisture. So use lots of lube and if you’re using water-based lube, add more often.
Again, you want to avoid any tearing inside the ass or causing any physical damage. Lots of lube helps make anal sex safer and less prone to injury. If it hurts, something is wrong and you may be hurting yourself. Slow down and work your way up. More on that coming up.
A note about lubes: there are three basic types, oil-based, water-based and silicone based. Oil-based lubes cause latex to break down, so they shouldn’t be used with condoms. Water-based lubes are very safe, but require re-application, especially for anal sex. Silicone lubes are very slippery and don’t require a lot of re-application, but they are hard to get off and can stain sheets and clothes.
You may buy decent lubes at drug stores or pharmacies (they may be called “personal lubricants” or “sensual lubricants” and are not age-restricted) or higher-end lubes at upscale sex product stores like Good Vibrations or Babes in Toyland.
Take it slow, practice and work your way up
Sex isn’t a race and anal sex, especially, is something to start out with slowly and work your way up. As we’ve mentioned, the ass isn’t “designed” to have things put inside it, so it makes a lot of sense that doing so requires practice and patience.
You can’t just start out with a cock, or a big toy, in your ass if you’ve never done it before.
So start out by putting your own finger up your ass using a lot of lube. Do that a few times and see how it feels. It may feel great, but you still need to work your way up to larger things. Try a couple fingers. Then maybe a small dildo designed for safe anal play. See how much lube you need and how tight your ass feels. Practice. You can’t just go from “zero to penis” or “zero to dildo,” so work your way up. And not in one hour or one day, but over many days or even weeks or longer; however it works for you.
Don’t put anything in your ass that you can’t get out
Some people like having a cock in their ass, some people like having a toy, some people like other objects. But no matter what you may like, be sure you only put things in your ass that you can get out!
That means only use objects with a flange.
A flange is a flared base that is wider than the rest of the object. It needs to be wide enough that it won’t fit in the ass so it won’t get pulled up there and stuck inside. Anal-safe dildos and toys have a long section that goes inside the ass, with a large flange at the bottom that is too big to go in, so you can always get it out. Never use smooth or round objects that don’t have a flange.
And if you’re having someone put their cock in your ass, the person’s body is the flange.
Now what?
Want to know more? There’s a great book with all the imformation about anal sex that you could think of. It’s called “Anal Pleasure and Health” by Dr. Jack Morrin. You can buy it at regular bookstores or online book sites.
And, as promised, here’s an answer from SFSI about anal sex: Do you have any tips for anal sex?
Enjoy!
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Understanding my preferences and needs
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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my relationships, my explorations into sexuality, how I define my nonmonogamy and what I’m finding that I really prefer and need. Some of these things have not changed, despite trying different options, and some have changed.
Primary relationship
My preference has always been, and continues to be, to have a primary partner, with all the usual commitments and progressions, while honestly and openly maintaining the ability for us both to have occasional casual sexual encounters with others.
I’ve tried doing the “full poly” thing, where no single relationship is the primary or has greater commitment than any other, but it doesn’t work for me. I’m wired for having one partner who is as involved in our relationship as I am.
I’ve been asked, “so you just want a girlfriend who lets you fuck other people?” Essentially, yes. We may both fuck other people as long as we both keep such encounters casual and we put our relationship first. That simply recognizes that we all enjoy a little variety and the chance to fool around with someone new and fun on occasion. But when it comes to the person I want to fully intermingle my life with, to come home to, to share a bed with, for me that means one primary partner who feels the same way.
Bisexual/”heteroflexible”
I generally identify as bisexual, as I want to express that I’m sexually open-minded and interested in women and men and persons across the gender spectrum. But in practice I’ve always been more what may be called “heteroflexible” — I’m generally involved in hetero-type relationships with women, though I occasionally like to play with men or persons somewhere else on the gender spectrum. It’s a weird place to be since the straight folks tend to tell me I’m bi and the bi folks tend to tell me I’m straight. But, of course, I can define my sexual orientation however I want. And I do.
Casual sex
I continue to enjoy casual sex as long as it’s safe. And by safe I mean safer sex practices as well as meeting people and getting to know about them, their history, their interests and their STD status and risk before having sex with them. I always practice safer sex both for my own safety and the safety of my other sexual partners. I tend to have less casual sex when I’m in a committed primary relationship.
Evolving?
I’ve been told more than once lately that my relationship ideals are “evolving.” I don’t think that means that any one type of relationship is better than any other (I know lots of folks that are super happy in relationships that wouldn’t work for me!), but I do think that it means that I’m getting a much better sense of what I actually prefer and need for me and that lets me evolve into making choices that are more compatible with my life.
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Anti-sex sign man says all women are whores
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Sunday afternoon I came across a man at Powell and Market (the big shopping area and cable car terminus) holding a huge sign that said, among other things, “no unlawful sex,” “no homosexuality,”, no bisexuals,” “no lesbians” and “no masturbation.”
I walked up and politely asked why he was doing this, and he told me it was God’s work. So I asked if God condemns people who are gay or who have sex. He yelled, “fuck off, you don’t understand this,” and then, “all women are whores, all women are whores!”
I’d love to hear comments on what one could possibly say in response to that?
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Planned Parenthood offers gift certificates
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Planned Parenthood of Indiana is selling gift certificates which can be used to receive health care or to purchase birth control. To me that is an amazingly great and sane idea!
Of course there are the religious “sex is bad so reproductive health is to be ignored” types who are against this, such as the Catholic Archdiocese of Indiana, which said, “they deserve coal in their stocking, not money for lethal gift certificates,” Right… I guess the implication here is that everyone who receives a Planned Parenthood gift certificate is going to gleefully run out and get an abortion (what better way to celebrate the holidays!) as opposed to getting a routine and potentially life-saving exam such as a pap smear.
Of course I’m biased, but it’s hard to not be when faced with this kind of knowledgeably ignorant and all-too-predictable negative reaction to reproductive health.
From Betty Cockrum, president and CEO of Planned Parenthood of Indiana, a more reasonable argument:
“Birth control is the best way to avoid unintended pregnancy. Avoiding unintended pregnancy is the best way to reduce abortion.”
Read more from the Associated Press via Google News
Planned Parenthood of Indiana
Planned Parenthood of Indiana Gift Certificates -
Book review: Opening Up
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I find that one of the major challenges in having open relationships is simply that our society is completely and unabashedly designed to foster monogamy, thus it can be hard to feel normal or part of a larger whole. Luckily there are communities of people who share their experiences with open relationships (where I live there’s even a support group dedicated to poly people who are also kinky). And there are books, such as The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.
The Ethical Slut was one of the first books to address open relationships. Definitely worth having on a poly-friendly bookshelf, though it tends to make a lot of blanket statements without citing sources (as my little sister, the English major, pointed out when I sent her a copy).
One of the latest books on open relationships, Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino, came out recently. I had the pleasure of attending one of Tristan’s readings and obtaining copies of the book for my girlfriend and for me. We’ve both read it and now use it as a reference point when we need some normalization that other people deal with the same issues we deal with in an open relationship.
That’s where I find the most value in this book. It provides glimpses into the experiences other people have in their open relationships and does so in a poly-friendly way. In fact, it makes no bones about promoting open relationships as a viable lifestyle, while refusing to criticize monogamy for those who choose it. It’s a nice balance.
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Obama-Biden LGBT rights (at change.gov)
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The Obama-Biden transition team has a new site up and running at change.gov (apparently being the President-elect lets you get a cool .gov domain!) where they spell out their agenda and plans. It’s fantastic.
Their Civil Rights page includes extensive information about their support for LGBT rights, including their opposition to a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, support for repealing “don’t ask, don’t tell,” and support for expanding adoption rights.
They support civil-unions for same-sex couples; of course I’d prefer they support full marriage equality.
Here’s the text of their LGBT rights section:
Support for the LGBT Community
“While we have come a long way since the Stonewall riots in 1969, we still have a lot of work to do. Too often, the issue of LGBT rights is exploited by those seeking to divide us. But at its core, this issue is about who we are as Americans. It’s about whether this nation is going to live up to its founding promise of equality by treating all its citizens with dignity and respect.”
– Barack Obama, June 1, 2007
The Obama-Biden Plan
Expand Hate Crimes Statutes: In 2004, crimes against LGBT Americans constituted the third-highest category of hate crime reported and made up more than 15 percent of such crimes. Barack Obama cosponsored legislation that would expand federal jurisdiction to include violent hate crimes perpetrated because of race, color, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, gender identity, or physical disability. As a state senator, Obama passed tough legislation that made hate crimes and conspiracy to commit them against the law.
Fight Workplace Discrimination: Barack Obama supports the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, and believes that our anti-discrimination employment laws should be expanded to include sexual orientation and gender identity. While an increasing number of employers have extended benefits to their employees’ domestic partners, discrimination based on sexual orientation in the workplace occurs with no federal legal remedy. Obama also sponsored legislation in the Illinois State Senate that would ban employment discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.
Support Full Civil Unions and Federal Rights for LGBT Couples: Barack Obama supports full civil unions that give same-sex couples legal rights and privileges equal to those of married couples. Obama also believes we need to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act and enact legislation that would ensure that the 1,100+ federal legal rights and benefits currently provided on the basis of marital status are extended to same-sex couples in civil unions and other legally-recognized unions. These rights and benefits include the right to assist a loved one in times of emergency, the right to equal health insurance and other employment benefits, and property rights.
Oppose a Constitutional Ban on Same-Sex Marriage: Barack Obama voted against the Federal Marriage Amendment in 2006 which would have defined marriage as between a man and a woman and prevented judicial extension of marriage-like rights to same-sex or other unmarried couples.
Repeal Don’t Ask-Don’t Tell: Barack Obama agrees with former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff John Shalikashvili and other military experts that we need to repeal the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. The key test for military service should be patriotism, a sense of duty, and a willingness to serve. Discrimination should be prohibited. The U.S. government has spent millions of dollars replacing troops kicked out of the military because of their sexual orientation. Additionally, more than 300 language experts have been fired under this policy, including more than 50 who are fluent in Arabic. Obama will work with military leaders to repeal the current policy and ensure it helps accomplish our national defense goals.
Expand Adoption Rights: Barack Obama believes that we must ensure adoption rights for all couples and individuals, regardless of their sexual orientation. He thinks that a child will benefit from a healthy and loving home, whether the parents are gay or not.
Promote AIDS Prevention: In the first year of his presidency, Barack Obama will develop and begin to implement a comprehensive national HIV/AIDS strategy that includes all federal agencies. The strategy will be designed to reduce HIV infections, increase access to care and reduce HIV-related health disparities. Obama will support common sense approaches including age-appropriate sex education that includes information about contraception, combating infection within our prison population through education and contraception, and distributing contraceptives through our public health system. Obama also supports lifting the federal ban on needle exchange, which could dramatically reduce rates of infection among drug users. Obama has also been willing to confront the stigma — too often tied to homophobia — that continues to surround HIV/AIDS. He will continue to speak out on this issue as president.
Empower Women to Prevent HIV/AIDS: In the United States, the percentage of women diagnosed with AIDS has quadrupled over the last 20 years. Today, women account for more than one quarter of all new HIV/AIDS diagnoses. Barack Obama introduced the Microbicide Development Act, which will accelerate the development of products that empower women in the battle against AIDS. Microbicides are a class of products currently under development that women apply topically to prevent transmission of HIV and other infections.
Find out more about the Obama-Biden transition at change.gov
Claire Ervin Lee 7:40 pm on November 15, 2009 Permalink
Julie, that same guy has been hanging out with that sign for years. He’s just one of those “colorful” street characters that populate the city and sadly, he’s probably mentally ill.
Carmen 5:44 pm on December 4, 2009 Permalink
I consider myself a modern Christian. I rarely use the term because I do not like being lumped into the same category with, well, dickwads like that guy.
As Christians, we too often pick and choose the aspects of the bible that we want to believe or think important. Most things (like references to the abomination of homosexuality) are in the OT which was rendered obsolete by the crucifixion of Christ. The most interesting thing to note here, is that Christ NEVER spoke about homosexuality. Not one verse in any translation attributes anything negative about homosexual people to Christ. What Christ does speak out against is divorce, adultery, and hate. If homosexuality were such a sin that Christians need to picket day-in and day-out showing their hatred for it while pardoning and “saving” murders and child molesters, than surely the son of God would have mentioned something about it right?
The son of God broke bread with tax collectors and prostitutes, he saw them as people equal to his own followers when the rest of Judea saw them as evil sinners who would burn forever in Hell. Shouldn’t all Christians do the same? Even if you can’t be convinced that homosexuality isn’t a sin, you should still treat the homosexuals with equal consideration and love. Haven’t we all been told throughout our Christian lives to be Christ-like, to be forgiving, to love? Love your neighbor was a strong command, it doesn’t mean you get to pick which ones to love and hate the rest.
Remember the words of Ghandi, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
In short, even IF the translation of the OT is taken to mean that homosexuals were condemned, they were offered the exact same pardon EVERY sinner is by the blood of Christ, followers of Christ need to see past their hatred of people different than they are, and embrace every one. Each person’s sin is on their own head and is a private matter between them and their Deity. Personally I have never felt homosexuality a sin, love is not wrong, but just in case I’m wrong about it, it’s good to know I’m not going to hell just because I’ve had sex with girls.