I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my relationships, my explorations into sexuality, how I define my nonmonogamy and what I’m finding that I really prefer and need. Some of these things have not changed, despite trying different options, and some have changed.
Primary relationship
My preference has always been, and continues to be, to have a primary partner, with all the usual commitments and progressions, while honestly and openly maintaining the ability for us both to have occasional casual sexual encounters with others.
I’ve tried doing the “full poly” thing, where no single relationship is the primary or has greater commitment than any other, but it doesn’t work for me. I’m wired for having one partner who is as involved in our relationship as I am.
I’ve been asked, “so you just want a girlfriend who lets you fuck other people?” Essentially, yes. We may both fuck other people as long as we both keep such encounters casual and we put our relationship first. That simply recognizes that we all enjoy a little variety and the chance to fool around with someone new and fun on occasion. But when it comes to the person I want to fully intermingle my life with, to come home to, to share a bed with, for me that means one primary partner who feels the same way.
Bisexual/”heteroflexible”
I generally identify as bisexual, as I want to express that I’m sexually open-minded and interested in women and men and persons across the gender spectrum. But in practice I’ve always been more what may be called “heteroflexible” — I’m generally involved in hetero-type relationships with women, though I occasionally like to play with men or persons somewhere else on the gender spectrum. It’s a weird place to be since the straight folks tend to tell me I’m bi and the bi folks tend to tell me I’m straight. But, of course, I can define my sexual orientation however I want. And I do.
Casual sex
I continue to enjoy casual sex as long as it’s safe. And by safe I mean safer sex practices as well as meeting people and getting to know about them, their history, their interests and their STD status and risk before having sex with them. I always practice safer sex both for my own safety and the safety of my other sexual partners. I tend to have less casual sex when I’m in a committed primary relationship.
Evolving?
I’ve been told more than once lately that my relationship ideals are “evolving.” I don’t think that means that any one type of relationship is better than any other (I know lots of folks that are super happy in relationships that wouldn’t work for me!), but I do think that it means that I’m getting a much better sense of what I actually prefer and need for me and that lets me evolve into making choices that are more compatible with my life.